A Difficult Week

This week I attended Seraphina Suite, went to my Mindfulness and Meditation class and practised some meditations.

I was quite disturbed by the work at the Meditation and Mindfulness class this week. We were looking at 'Developing an Attitude of Gratitude', and were asked to list the things we wished for and the things we were grateful for. Both lists upset me because they reminded me of how my world and life have changed. The tutor coped with my upset well, but it has still left me wounded.

For instance, I am grateful for hot water. I have lived without it, so it means a lot to me to be able to shower or bathe or have a hot drink when I want one. Remembering not having hot water upset me.

A thing I wish for is carpeting for my home. I was upset by this because it underlines for me, every time I walk on my bare-wood floors, that I am living in poverty. Not utter poverty, because I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, but it underlines how far my life has diminished.  I feel diminished. Life has kicked the shit out of me and left me for dead. It's no wonder to me that sometimes I figure I might as well actually be dead.

When I went to Seraphina Suite I got into a conversation about how I feel 'Physician Heal Thyself' applies, and how I feel I can't offer healing to others until I am well myself, that it feel hypocritical to consider doing so. My very wonderful friends observed that a) I might not be as I want to be, b) if I wait to be well I could be waiting forever, but that c) I have a wealth of experience and huge amounts of empathy which are enormously valuable in working with others. . . I do. I just wish I could do the counselling course I want to do, because I know I have such a lot to offer, and that doing the course would help me heal further too, because of the self reflection involved. I am very frustrated not to be able to afford to do the Counselling course.

As to practising my meditation skills, I am struggling with completing the Body Scan meditations. I don't know how to project my breath into my extremities. With the Counting meditation, it takes me several attempts to reach a count of ten. We also learnt the three-minute Breath Space meditation this week.

The tutor's feedback included reminding me that there are no goals to what we are doing, and praising me for having made the effort to meditate as often as I have been doing.

I realise I am my own worst enemy when it comes to demanding perfection and solid achievement.


Questions for the Breathing Space meditation (step 1):

1. What bodily sensations am I aware of at the moment? Just accept them.

2. What emotions am I aware of at the moment? Notice where in your body you are feeling these. (Mine were all clustered in my throat chakra today).

3. What thoughts am I aware of passing through my mind at the moment?


Step 2 is Breathing. Breathe normally and notice the qualities of your breath. Appreciate how precious your breath is.


Step 3 is Consciously Expanding your awareness into your whole body, and to accept yourself as perfect and complete just as you are right now.


This weekend is difficult.